so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
