I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
