We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
