I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
