We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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