Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
