my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
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