You smell like stripper and shame
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
