Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
