Christians are straight up FREAKS
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
