woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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