Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
