Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
