Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
