My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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