Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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