I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
