Define "chronic" masturbator.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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