haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize