Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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