you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
