I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Randomize
