I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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