Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
