Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
