$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
We had to coat check the pizza.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
