So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
