proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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