I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
zippers are such a cool invention
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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