I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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