I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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