I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
