Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
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