I wish my penis had an off switch
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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