just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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