It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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