It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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