Swine flu. Run for my life!
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize