Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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