so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just blew my weed a kiss
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
