he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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