swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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