god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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