I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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