I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
