booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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