She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
