Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
