new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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