It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We were destined to go to rehab together
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
