I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
My liver just had a heart attack.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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