I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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