its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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