Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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