he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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