I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
