On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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