I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
