My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
