I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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