And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
