discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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