Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
