My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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