Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
We left an ass print on the piano.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
