The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Randomize
